haven’t gotten enough of them

because… i want to win

I trained so hard, just because i wanna win.

I endured the pain, just because i wanna win.

I sacrificed my sleep, just because i wanna win.

I paddled though the program was a bitch, just because i wanna win.

I fight hard, just because i wanna win and not settle.

I grit my teeth, just because i wanna win.

I ignore judgments about me being manly, just because i wanna win.

I gave up my breasts, just because i wanna win.

Just because i wanna win, i lost.

Not given a chance to fight a winning battle is way worse than losing a completed race.

I guess training hard now is the only mean to fight for another medal, to fully heal my loss. This is so dramatic, but what do you know?

It’s not just the race i lost, the pride, gone, to the bottomless-pit.

God, why did my rudder have to break?

endurance

Brenda flew off to Thailand, i’m left alone doing program on k1, feeling normal, not exceptionally depressed or anything, prolly when doing mileage only?

Finding it very hard to tune back to the training-study hard mode, lest i tried today and i finished a case study, teehee.

Surprisingly, i’m in the festive mood this year, feeling the vibes. I think my life revolves around nothing, that something more than usual will actually spark my interest?

time check 22:25, off to blogshop

ppapertigers

If i walk would you run
If i stop would you come
If i say you're the one would you believe me
If i ask you to stay would you show me the way
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me
The world is catching up to you
While your running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe i'm not ready

But i'm trying for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

If i sing you a song would you sing along
Or wait till i'm gone, oh how we push and pull
If i give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful
Am i catching up to you
While your running away, to chase your dreams
It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
And maybe i'm not ready

inferiority complex

I wished my English isn’t of such mediocre range, least my blog will be more interesting with the flowery terms and quotes instead of beating round the bush to get the point across.

Time check 1:49

fixing the puzzle pieces

This is why girls never get enough of their clothes. Apparently, i’m one of those typical girls who can glue themselves in front of the PC, browsing from blogshops to blogshops and not getting bored out from it. Not that i wear impressive clothes, at least i’m better off with new clothes.

denial

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have been in the ditsy-denial mode after the Xiamen trip. So much for being a wimp, complaining how reluctant i am to go on the trip, now i’m missing every bit of it because all the experiences there are incomparable to those in Singapore and that includes all the fun and laughter injected. Not did i expect it to turn out so inspirational and pretty ashamed to say it changed my perception of things, perpetually.

Wouldn’t say i’ve trained enough but training hard enough for improvement, i hope. I don’t wish for more now, just to pull harder at every stroke. As much as i anticipate the marathon, i want it to end, pronto. It’s such a heart-throbbing experience to be rowing around a foreign place.:<

400$ from studying my ass off, bliss. Crazily in debts, horrid.

 

kpop

Feels like it’s been forever since i had interest in kpop stuffs. Meanwhile, trying to kill time i’m watching this cute show by ss501. Bliss.

hello desktop

I’ve got an urge to re-deco my room albeit being so broke now. My mom will prolly hang me cos i’m not those artsy-futsy kind and the room may turn into a disaster. But isn’t this pretty enough to tempt you to have a refurbished room?

I don’t get how some can go on and on about love and not get bored of it. People get weirded out when they see how indifferently i act towards r/s.  But i’ve learned not to be cold to someone you care cos indifference hurts more than angry words. The more difficult it is to get the person, the more you’ll like him because the thrill lies in the chase and sometimes you don’t even know whether you love/want to possess the feeling of love.

Crashing prom wasn’t that fun afterall, it was after that when all the fun began. Though it was a weird combination of people hanging out together, the level of zeal was still there. Played bungee with Sara and Darran and i swear it’s the most heart-throbbing thing in 2010 other than my trainings. School the next day was such a spoil spot , imagine crawling out of Xuemin’s nest with barely 2 hours of sleep. Fatigue eating into my bones, totally.

I wish i loved PJ more.

I wished i am smarter so i wouldn’t fret not knowing my syllabus but yet do well. And i guess the School of  Thought guy was quite true that no one is dumb, just that we have different distinction.

Okay, time to turn in, training tomorrow. RUN HARD. ROW HARD.

there’s no black or white, just mix with the crowd

Sometimes i wished i had a soul mate who’s there since forever, unconditionally. The world’s too much a fallacy, there’s no one i could fall back on. Everything seems so superficial. One, you’re pouring everything to someone and next, you see yourself falling into the bottomless pit of betrayal.

Talking about betrayal, i’ve not done my principles justice, but it’s somehow cos of this that my foes are now my friends. It’s amazing to experience how two extreme poles of people could actually sit down over a plate of Swedish meatballs.

Living in so much a paradox, we can’t slacken on our trust- everyone’s trapped in the vicious cycle of slandering/bitching which sparked me to delete my past entries for i do not want the memories of my blog to be plainly on hurling profanities at whoever crosses my line.

I wonder,
why is my life so reliant on yours?
why are my moods so affected by yours?
is it hope triumphing over experience again?

I just wished i learn how to love myself more.

virgin post for now

Hello world,

Have been doing heaps and heaps of thinking lately and decided to take on my life from a new better perspective. Rather than inculpating everything and being dejected all the time, learning to accept things seems more sound than ever,

I hate the virtual world cause it’s just too surreal yet judgmental. I resent how people judge you before they even get to know you. True enough that I’m one of those who have so many insecurities and in a great attempt not to let my guard down and walls of my heart crumble down on me. I’m not a fan of smiles and people either think i’m arrogant or eccentric, but why can’t i be socially awkward instead?

Nothing has been well since the time i can comprehend things, not even when i put my very best. I loathe how some can just reach the top with a mere will of theirs but the others will just fall to the bottom to make the former appeased. Not even when i studied half my life away during Os, ultimately, 14 as raw wasn’t what i wanted, i wished i procrastinated less when i was in sec 3.

Humans have hopes, we have dreams, but what’s the use of it without determination to keep your zeal going? I’ve always wanted to be a staunch PJ canoeist with the most awesome team mates but who would ever thought that the situation will be reduced to me and myself going through all those horrible trainings alone when we promised to win a medal together? So, do you see how parents duped their kids with santa claus story falling in place and making sense now? For you, i held on. But it just isn’t the same the other way round- the tears shed are for myself, apparently.

I’m gonna delete all the past entries of my life, portraying me much like a witch cause i wanna spend a good 2011, not reading a underlying current of resentful 2010.

till then.

photo gallery

Chomp chomp with addy and jess

Sogurt + catching up!

Return of the HIAO

 

I have no idea how some girls can be so divine and pretty, all you know it- they have it kind, when all i see in myself is a big fat nose and buff arms:< I know i should be contented with everything i have/what god has given but still… Too judgmental a world to be appeased >:(